Ambassador Grizzlob of Morn

A Clarification of My Address to the Inter-Galactic Economic Convention

I feel that I must respond to the rather rude assertion of my esteemed colleague, General Grunch, who has informed me that I do not know my nose from my tail. First of all, this is a ridiculous statement. Of course I know my own nose and I also am extremely familiar with my tail which is magnificently long and beautifully scaled.  In fact, I continuously receive compliments on the pulchritude of my tail.

 

 

However, I believe that the General was referring to my thesis that irregulation of the galactic economy has contributed to the current crisis.  General Grunch accuses me of using incorrect vocabulary. I should have used the word deregulation.  How wrong he is.  For his information, I used the word irregulation on purpose.

 

 

After all, what is economic success but the consumption of goods and services which are digested in a healthy manner and excreted in the form of economic stability and prosperity?  Therefore, an Irregular economy is one that is either constipated (what we are now experiencing), or moving too fast.

 

 

I believe that my analogy is quite original.  I really should write a book on it.

Madoff's Missing Treasure

Despite many unfounded rumors, it is highly unlikely that Bernie Madoff hid his ill-gotten fortune on Morn.  I’m fairly sure the infamous Earth scoundrel concealed his loot closer to home. After all, at his age, the man is hardly likely to hop an intergalactic freighter just to retrieve a few galactic credits.  It is rather too bad that this reprehensible Earthling isn’t a more dashing sort. It’s difficult to compose rowdy bandit ballads when the subject is not only quite elderly, but also quite grouchy.

 

I bring up Mr. Madoff’s lost treasure, because I’m getting a wee bit tired of running off Muvins who keep digging up MY flower beds as they search for buried treasure. I am considering setting traps. Of course, then I will have to post warning signs to advise trespassers that I have set traps to catch them, which rather negates the surprise of being trapped. On the other hand, we all know that since most Muvins can’t read, they will become highly agitated when unexpectedly confined to large nets and will probably lop each other’s heads off

 

However, I too, sometimes daydream about  this lost treasure and what I would do if I found it.  I like to think I would help my planet by beautifying my home and gardens – which of course, beautifies Morn.   I would also like to add to my exotic mushroom collection – which again helps the world, because we’re talking about mushrooms.  I have given the matter much reflection, and I have concluded that it would simply not be kind to return the treasure to those from whom Mr. Madoff stole.  After all, they’ve been through such a shock, that it might be quite unhealthy to shock them again.

 

After much research, I have decided that Mr. Madoff is actually a Muvin who is masquerading as a human. That is the only thing that can explain his greedy behavior and obvious lack of repentance.

 

The Importance of Frugality in Times of Crisis

In my ambassadorial vocation, I am often consulted on areas of domestic finance as well as, of course, the inter-galactic financial devastation in which many worlds find themselves.  “Ambassador,” they ask. “How is it that with all the poverty, hunger and displacement happening around you, that you manage to keep such lovely gardens and such a magnificent house?”  Yes, I must humbly acquiesce that my gardens are indeed spectacular as is my abode.  After all, I am an ambassador, and as such have certain standards to live up to.  However, even I have resorted to frugality – some would even say austerity in these troubled times.  I am a firm believer in the sharing of knowledge when it benefits the general public. Therefore, I offer to you these tips on how to save money in the face of financial turbulence:

 

·        Grow your own mushrooms.  This can easily be done in your basement. If you don’t have a basement, a small closet will do. In about two months or so, you will have a lovely crop of mushrooms which you should eat right away so no one else steals them or asks you to share. Sharing is vastly over-rated. It just means there is less for you. I personally grow over thirty types of mushrooms in my basement. Of course I have a very large basement, so I can grow a great many mushrooms.

 

·        If you are unable to grow your own mushrooms, at least purchase them in bulk. Of course, then you must eat them very quickly before they rot.

 

 

·        Accept all dining invitations.  After all, you are doing them a favor by showing up.  Make sure to eat everything your host offers and ask for seconds – unless it is pickled mushrooms.

 

·        Avoid GIVING dining invitations. Besides, you know perfectly well that your guests are only showing up for free food.  There’s absolutely no point in sharing perfectly good mushrooms outside your immediate family. By the way, I’d be cautious with immediate family as well. They can jolly well get their own mushrooms.

 

I hope my tips have helped you face this economic crisis. By working together, I’m sure we’ll all come out just fine – although I’m not exactly sure when or how. After all, we’re all in the same life-boat, bobbing along through turbulent waters and fearing imminent capsize. However, we must be brave! We must be frugal!

How to be a Good Listener

Gorbuls have long been considered the musicians of the universe. We are widely recognized to have the finest voices and the greatest stage presence of all singing sentient species. I mean no disrespect to those sentient species who are incapable of singing, such as Muvins who can’t even hold a tune in the shower,  or to who Slithnians who are physically  limited to hisses. However, even those who do not participate in the noble art itself, can be good listeners, as long as they are polite and don’t resort to throwing things at the performers when they become restless.  Thus, in order to educate the listening audience, I have outlined a few tips which can be universally applied to all venues from the intimacy of the drawing room to the grandiosity of the traditional galactic opera houses and anything in-between.

·        Dress appropriately. Nudity for any species is discouraged – except for religious reasons.

·        Check all weapons, especially noisy ones, at the door. Have no fear, your weapons will be returned to you after the performance as long as you do not lose your claim ticket.

·        Do not throw things at the performers – especially quablum fruit for it is very smelly.

·        DO hum along with your favorite tunes. Singing loudly is also encouraged provided you have a good voice and have been told you have a good voice by others.

·        Body movement is also encouraged. However, please refrain from standing on your chair to do so.

·        Refrain from climbing up on the stage to be part of the action, however tempting this may be.

·        Those who are fungi-intolerant, should not eat mushrooms before the performance.

 

If everyone follows these simple rules, attending even the most formal operas will be enjoyed by all. In fact, I had the good fortune, just last week to attend a lovely production of Verdi’s Rigoletto  at which the entire audience sprang to its feet to enthusiastically sing “La Donna e Mobile” .The aria was only slightly ruined when some over-excited Muvins drew out their swords and began hacking at the furniture.

 

Of course, my personal favorite remains Puccini’s “Quando me’n vo”  which never fails to wrack me with sobs as I join Saranisi Moltonini in her poignant rendering of this toe-tapping favorite.

 

In fact, there are times when the call of music is so compelling that I am sorely tempted to throw off this mantle of ambassadorship and pursue a career on the inter-galactic stage.

The State of the Economy

As we all are fully aware, the state of the inter-galactic economy is in shambles. Many entire planets are ravaged by famine and others lack all forms of energy. Some of us, myself included have had to make sacrifices which cut into the very fabric of our existence and wellbeing. For example, I have given up my slorth oil massages. While this may seem like a small thing, I assure you it is a major deprivation on my part. Furthermore, it means that my masseuse will be out of a job as well as some poor slorth flower gatherer. I therefore have some suggestions to improve our lives and help turn the economy around as we must all do our part.

·        We should all spend more money.  We need to make sure that the masseuses and slorth  gatherers have something to do.

·        All inter-galactic governments should spend more money on projects they can’t possibly afford. Projects are fun. They take lots of planning, and even if nothing is accomplished, everyone feels like they are doing something.

·        Individuals should all save more money.  This is important, because one reason we are in this mess is because nobody bothered to sock any money away.

·        Governments need to save money and be more responsible. This means they should not spend money on things they can’t afford – except for special  projects, as mentioned above.

·        We should all make more money because then we could spend more money as well as save more money.

·        Governments need to make more money, but not by taxing people – which is very unpopular. A better solution might be traveling circuses where the crowds throw currency at the acts which please them most. Since many sentient beings are unemployed and have a lot of time on their hands, they would be thrilled to watch their favorite politician juggle over-ripe quablum fruit or balance on a high wire – especially if there was no net and there was the risk of a messy demise.

 

I hope this has answered all your questions about the state of the inter-galactic  economy.

The Importance of Relaxation

In this frantic hectic universe of ours, I find that not enough people take the time to relax.  I know that I personally suffer extreme stress due my many obligations as Gorbul Ambassador.  In fact, I often feel that I carry the weight of many galaxies upon my shoulders.

• There are some who advocate the pleasant strains of soothing music as a means to relieve stress. I confess to being an opera lover myself as long as the opera is not overly long or overly depressing and is filled with songs that a gorbul can hum along to.

• However, what's MOST  efficacious for me is massaging oil of lavender and slorth flower into my lobes. After all, a gorbul’s lobes are the seat of his reason – nay the very housing of his soul.

• In conclusion, I would welcome comments from my readers as to what techniques they employ for needed relaxation.

********

 *General Grunch, you need not reply, as it’s a well known fact that  muvins have no appreciation of the finer things in life. I shudder to even contemplate what you might find relaxing.

The Importance of Staying Informed

In my role as Gorbul Ambassador, I am constantly being asked my opinion on things.  It is therefore vital that I keep abreast of what is happening not only in this galaxy, but also in neighboring galaxies as well. Needless to say, I read a lot.  Because I read so many publications, I am unable to name any specific one as my favorite. However, I have developed a reading technique that I would like to share with you:

• I feel it is important to read the first sentence of an article as that tells you what the article is going to be about.

• I feel it is important to read the last sentence of the article because that tells you what the article WAS about.

• The middle part takes too much time to read. Besides, why be burdened with too many facts and justifications that are incredibly boring and impossible to remember?

I hope my advice has helped you become as informed as I am.

My Culinary Expertise Regarding Mushrooms

 I am often consulted regarding my culinary expertise – especially when it comes to mushrooms. This is not surprising as gorbuls have long been regarded as connoisseurs of the mycological arts.   After all, mushrooms are the primary food of gorbuls and we have farmed them for centuries.  I have very succinct advice regarding the delicate edible fungi.

 

·        A little salt goes a long way

·        A fresh mushroom is a good mushroom

·        Eat as many mushrooms as you can. They rot quickly.

·        Sometimes what looks like a mushroom isn’t a mushroom

 

 

Personally, I enjoy steamed mushrooms, roasted mushrooms and sautéed mushrooms. I do not like pickled mushrooms.

 

I hope this has answered all your questions regarding mushrooms.

Thoughts on the Craft of Writing

I have often heard the expression that everyone has one great story to tell, one great book to write. I am sure this is true of many sentient being. Just because I have never heard of any great muvin authors, doesn’t mean that there aren’t any. It’s just that nobody ever reads muvin literature.

 

At any rate, I digress. I am extremely fortunate in that I carry not one, but many books within my soul. After all, as well as being an ambassador, I am considered by many, to be the finest writer on all Morn.

 

My advice to would be writers is to write one word at a time. Slowly, the words become sentences; the sentences become pages and the pages become a book. This works for me. It can work for you too.

Languages Are A Reflection of the Species

In my role as Gorbul ambassador,  I am exposed to many languages; and I have come to realize that languages often reflect the species which speak them.  For example, gorbuls, when communicating with one another tend to use telepathy. This clearly shows a highly developed brain and sense of community. When one gorbul is sad, we all share his sadness. Similarly we share each other’s joy. We keep no secrets from each other.

 

The slithnian language is full of hisses, and of course, as the saying goes  “never trust a slithnian for he will smile and then bite you.”  This is of course untrue as slithnians eat mushrooms and are toothless.

 

The more melodic twittering of the trellops, which is tonal, demonstrates their affinity for trees and arboreal living.  While I do not personally know any trellops, I am given to understand that they can be very friendly.

 

The  muvins , while somewhat resembling superficially gorbuls in that they have four feet and two arms, have no telepathic ability whatsoever. Their language is full of guttural snarls, yelps, and, although I mean no disrespect, loud flatulent noises. 

 

Humans fall somewhere in the middle of all this. They certainly have limited telepathic ability, but in my humble opinion often sound like some sort of slithnian hybrid with a good deal of muvin thrown in. And indeed, the humans do resemble muvins in their warlike acquisitive natures.  

 

However,in conclusion, I can honestly say that some of my very best friends are humans and I certainly respect all muvins as I do all species. In fact, I am writing a book on languages which is bound to be an intergalactic best-seller.